I’m a neurodiversity-affirming mom, and my son is in ABA.

Cue the gasps!

As a neurodivergent person who spent decades masking to fit into a neurotypical world, I’ve made it my mission to ensure my Autistic son doesn’t have to do the same.

I don’t want him to mask, and I don’t want him to feel like he has to become neurotypical.

What I want for him is what I didn’t have:
Confidence to be himself.

When I was growing up, my ADHD diagnosis wasn’t celebrated—it was treated like a problem to solve. For years, I saw myself that way: a problem.

But autism isn’t a problem. Neurodivergence isn’t a problem.

If you’re here, you might have just received an autism diagnosis for your child and are weighing the pros and cons of ABA therapy. Trust me, I’ve been there—scrolling blogs and Facebook groups at 2 a.m., overwhelmed by fear and uncertainty.

The internet is full of voices, many of them screaming that ABA will turn your child into a robot. If you’re stressed beyond belief, let me share this with you:

Neurodiversity-affirming care is whatever helps your child thrive in this world.

Every autistic person is unique. If you’ve met one person on the spectrum, you’ve met one person on the spectrum.

Nothing is black or white, nothing is forever, and you—as the parent—have a say in how this journey unfolds.

Understanding ABA Therapy

Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) is a therapeutic approach designed to support skill-building in areas like social communication, adaptive learning, and self-advocacy.

ABA can take place in various settings: centers, homes, schools, or the community. It’s often referred to as the “gold standard” for autism therapy because of decades of research supporting its efficacy.

But here’s the thing: not all ABA is created equal.

The key to making ABA work for our family was finding a program that prioritized Jake’s joy, strengths, and individuality. ABA at its best is customized to the child, with parents as collaborative partners.

In our case, Jake has learned countless valuable skills through ABA, like:

• Looking both ways before crossing the street.

• Using phrases like “No, thank you” or “I don’t want to share” to advocate for himself.

• Recognizing that his efforts and talents, like playing the piano, bring him joy—and others too!

Jake thrives on positive reinforcement, which is a core principle of ABA. When he feels supported, his confidence soars, and that’s the kind of care I want for him.

Navigating Challenges and Controversy in ABA

Let’s be real: ABA is controversial.

It’s the only autism therapy typically covered by insurance, which leaves many families with limited options. The “gold standard” label doesn’t mean it’s the right fit for every child or that it hasn’t been used harmfully in the past.

The history of ABA includes messaging that no parent today wants to hear:

• “No one will be able to tell!”

• “We can make your child fit in!”

These harmful ideas alienate many families, particularly when the goal of neurodiversity-affirming parents isn’t to make their child appear neurotypical but to help them thrive authentically.

Critics of ABA argue that it can be rigid and overly compliance-driven, which is why finding the right therapist is critical. Look for one who uses compassion, flexibility, and child-led practices as their guiding principles.

Our Journey with ABA and Other Therapies

When Jake was diagnosed 2 ½ years ago, we were given a “treatment plan” that included 35 hours of ABA per week, plus speech and occupational therapy. I dove into research, calling 27 different ABA centers to ask one crucial question:

How do you view autism, and how do you work with autistic children?

For us, the goal of therapy was never to “fix” Jake or make him fit in. The goal was to help him become as independent as possible and to give him tools to navigate a neurotypical world while honoring who he is.

I was looking for affirming care that would:

• Support Jake’s independence.

• Help him communicate his wants, needs, and boundaries.

• Celebrate his unique strengths and motivations.

We decided on a multi-therapy approach:

• Speech therapy.

• Occupational therapy.

• ABA for 27 hours per week (later adjusted to 14 hours).

With this balance, Jake thrived—and so did we. Through parent trainings, goal-setting meetings, and collaboration with therapists, we found a rhythm that worked for our family.

Choosing the Right Therapy Team

The key to making any therapy work is partnership.

At our ABA center, we’re involved in every aspect of Jake’s care. We collaborate on his goals, share insights from his speech and OT sessions, and ensure his program reflects his needs and interests.

Here’s what to look for in an affirming therapy team:

1. Child-Led Practices: Does the therapist follow your child’s lead and celebrate their unique interests?

2. Parent Involvement: Are you included in the goal-setting process?

3. Alignment with Your Values: Does the program focus on skill-building and independence rather than compliance?

Making Tough Decisions

We’ve made many pivots in Jake’s journey, including trying public special education pre-K. It wasn’t the right fit.

In the seven months Jake attended, I felt disheartened. His teacher viewed his abilities as limited and labeled his strengths—like his hyperlexia and scripting—as disruptions.

“He wont stop singing” the traditional in school speech therapist told me.

Well, yeah. He’s a Gestalt Language Processor. He sings and scripts…

Every time I picked him up, Jake was dysregulated, disengaged, and exhausted. In contrast, when I picked him up from ABA, he was energized and excited. He locked eyes with me, ran into my arms, and used functional language like “Let’s go!” or “Bye-bye!”

That’s how I knew where he needed to be.

As parents, we have to listen to our intuition. It’s not always comfortable, but it’s always worth it.

Managing the Noise on Social Media

Parenting in the age of social media can feel overwhelming. The noise around autism therapies is loud, and every decision you make feels like it’s under scrutiny.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

• Take breaks when needed: You don’t have to read every post or engage in every debate.

• Research intentionally: Seek out autistic voices, parent perspectives, and professional insights.

• Trust your instincts: At the end of the day, you are the expert on your child.

What Neurodiversity-Affirming Care Means to Me

Neurodiversity-affirming care isn’t about one therapy or approach—it’s about intention. It’s about finding what works for your child and family and being unafraid to pivot when needed.

Jake will always be autistic. He’s not going to “grow out of it,” and we wouldn’t want him to. Our goal is to equip him with the tools and confidence to live authentically and thrive on his own terms.

Recap: Key Takeaways for Parents Considering ABA

1. No therapy is perfect—there will always be pros and cons.

2. Your child’s needs and your values should guide your decisions.

3. You are the expert on your child—trust yourself.

4. A collaborative, affirming therapy team is the most important piece.

5. Change isn’t just about problems—it’s about growth and transformation.

If you’re considering ABA or other therapies for your child, I encourage you to do your research, ask tough questions, and trust your intuition.

Your child is unique, and their therapy should reflect that.