“I’m not sure why I feel so sad” I said to my husband.

I was sitting in a Target parking lot talking with him over the phone.

“It’s because it’s a death by a thousand cuts.” he said.

“Small littles stabs over and over.”

He was referring to Autism.

You see, it’s not always these big overwhelming moments of grief but instead small paper cuts that are so tiny you can’t even see them and yet the pain of them pulses through your entire body.

Little reminders like applying for medicaid, extra emails to the teacher, and writing down the diagnosis when filling out paperwork.

Raising a child on the spectrum feels like driving on a street that is full of yellow and red lights.

The green lights seem to only exist within the walls of our home.

My son being autistic isn’t the problem.

The problem is the world we live in and how autism fits within it.

This is just a snapshot in time.

There are moments that I don’t feel this way at all.

Other times I feel so proud I could burst.

You see, it’s not always these big overwhelming moments of pride but instead small little wins that are so tiny that if you didn’t have a child with special needs you wouldn’t see them and the pride of them pulses through your entire body.

Little reminders like answering a why question for the very first time, saying hi mommy without a prompt, and writing down his diagnosis to share in a letter how far he’s come.

Although we don’t know the future of any of our children regardless of how their brain works there is something truly unknown in how Jake will evolve into the world.

We just don’t know.

There is no blueprint.

There is only hope, trust, & belief in the power of yet. ✨