This blog post was originally written May 16, 2024 & I was recently interviewed on the Over Dinner podcast about living with ADHD and if I really think it’s superpower… this went out December 10th, 2024 which you can listen to here: Over Dinner Pod

I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 10 years old.

I fully accepted my ADHD diagnosis when I was 36 years old.

I spent almost 4 decades pushing a part of myself away.

In Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS), this part of me would be considered an exile.

Internal Family Systems, developed by Richard Schwartz, is a psychotherapy modality that identifies and addresses multiple subpersonalities or families within each person's mind.

In the book Parts Work: An Illustrated Guide to Your Inner Life, author Tom Homes, Ph.D., describes IFS as an inner world of subpersonalities or "parts." Some of our "parts" are always ready and available, and others hang out in the storage closet and only come out when something calls them out.

ADHD, also known as "Scribble," was told she was inadequate when she was younger, and so another part of me, also known as "Grinder" (perfectionism), stepped in to take over.

So, Scribble was exiled.

Exiles are: "Usually young parts that hold trauma, pain, fear, and shame. They are shut away to keep them safe and to stop them from overwhelming the system.

Grinder became a manager.

Overcompensating. Demanding. Unrealistic expectations… BE PERFECT.

"Managers are protective parts that try to keep us safe by controlling other parts, people, or situations. Planning, controlling, criticizing, judging, and avoidance" are all characteristics of managers and, most specifically, Grinder.

Up until recently, I thought I was broken.

And then, one day, I realized that Scribble was the missing piece within my IFS family unit.

Grinder wasn't ashamed of Scribble… she wanted to protect her, so for three decades, I've tried to act neurotypical.

Sit still, stop talking, don't interrupt.

So, I stopped moving, quieted my lips, and sat on my hands to keep me from interrupting someone else talking.

When I was growing up, the aura around ADHD was that it was a deficit.

That my brain was a problem.

So, how could I not see myself as a failure?

And then I experienced my first earthquake…of my mask.

My son was diagnosed neurodivergent...Autistic.

A fear I had when I was pregnant.

What if?

It is clear— two years later — that this journey was planned.

Jake was my destiny.

He has been my way forward to finding myself, making peace, and accepting who I am.

Because to fully accept him, I must accept myself.

Crack after crack…shake after shake… I started seeing the small child hiding behind the wall of shame.

Looking back, I wish I could say that I'm so sorry. It must have been so painful to be so misunderstood.

It is so crazy to me that I've known that I have ADHD all these years, and this is the first time I've ever really understood that.

My master's thesis was on ADHD therapeutic modalities, for crying out loud!

It wasn't until I accepted Scribble for all that she is that I was able to leverage my ADHD in all its beauty.

So, let's talk about ADHD in women

ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) is a neurodevelopment disorder (yes! I'm neurodivergent!!) that affects both children and adults, including women.

According to a medically reviewed article found on WebMD, the study shares that there is little research on how ADHD impacts women and that many women go undiagnosed for the majority of their lives due to how the diagnosis shows up for the gender.

Today, I'll be sharing my own account of growing up with ADHD and how this has impacted my self-esteem, mental health, motherhood journey, and more.

Furthermore, I will be discussing recognizing ADHD in women: signs and symptoms, parenting with ADHD, and tips for moms, along with supportive resources you can leverage today.

What is ADHD (to me):

ADHD is looking at my website and wanting to change the photo size on the blog page, thinking it will take me 10 minutes when it's already 11:10 pm.

ADHD is deciding at 11:30 pm that I want to clean out and organize my entire bathroom vanity and do it. Yes, I went to bed at 1 am, but at least my drawers were finally organized.

ADHD is feeling tired when I decide to go to bed…but the minute my head hits the pillow, my brain has different plans.

ADHD is gearing up to clean the kitchen after dinner, only to be interrupted by reminders and thoughts that take you away from your initial task. (I now set 5-minute timers and make it a game to finish something.)

ADHD swings from mood to mood.

ADHD is feeling like everything is extremely important and urgent, but unable to determine what to do first.

ADHD is when you're exhausted all day but find your spark at 8 pm, when everyone else is winding down.

ADHD is feeling extremely overstimulated and distracted sitting at the wrong table facing the kitchen doors swinging open and closed or too close to others.

ADHD is procrastinating a task that takes 5 minutes and becomes 5 days.

ADHD is perfectionism and overcompensation.

ADHD is placing something in one place only to find it in another.

ADHD is struggling with consistency because your brain needs novelty.

ADHD is starting to write your blog post and, within 10 seconds, decide you want to record it instead. You spend 10 minutes trying to connect the microphone to your computer, and then, instead of returning to the blog post, you start writing something completely different.

ADHD is being extremely compassionate and supportive to others yet having a loud inner critic towards themselves.

ADHD is having creative talents but not always knowing how to harness them to monetize them.

ADHD is tapping into hyper-focus and learning about subjects you're passionate about…like this blog!

Clearly, ADHD is a lot of things.

ADHD in Women: Recognizing the Signs

I had a client a few years ago who struggled deeply with emotional dysregulation, hyperfocus, procrastination, inattention, and disorganization.

Her biggest complaint? Inconsistency and daydreaming.

Sometimes, I felt like I was talking to myself while we were in session.

I had a feeling she could have ADHD, but she felt that she didn't fit the "criteria" of being hyperactive or extroverted.

That's what she thought ADHD was.

I think that's what a lot of people think ADHD is.

If you have a child who displays ADHD characteristics or already has a diagnosis, you will be more likely to notice your own symptoms.

So, let's break down the manifestation of symptoms SPECIFICALLY for women:

Inattention: Women may showcase symptoms of inattention, but these can be more subtle than men and masked quickly. Women may not be as easily distracted, but they may have more trouble maintaining focus on tasks that do not provide enough stimulation or that they find engaging enough… (this was part of her challenge with the inconsistency)
Disorganization: oh man, look up *Doom piles* when you can, please — I have 90. Something that has helped a lot is reminders, timers, and a husband. I struggle deeply to keep up with daily tasks.
Emotion dysregulation is probably one of my biggest struggles with ADHD. It's flirtatious nature with depression and anxiety. Women with ADHD may struggle with intense emotions that are difficult to control, leading to mood swings, impulsivity, and difficulties in interpersonal relationships…damn, this is me to a T!!!
1. Add to the above, emotional dysregulation can be challenging in work settings or relationships because emotional stability is often expected. Hence, women usually mask their challenges, which ultimately leads to burnout.

Symptoms of ADHD may manifest differently in women than men, such as internalized feelings of restlessness, daydreaming, perfectionist tendencies to overcompensate, low self-esteem, and burnout.

Women already have multi-layered and complicated roles

In our Over Dinner podcast a few weeks ago, Jarrod and I discussed motherhood's mental load. We discuss how many more things are on my plate than on his — that are invisible.

I'll discuss the motherhood mental load more next week, but it's important to break down this idea of a never-ending to-do list and wearing multiple hats.

Moms are project managers, administrative assistants, teachers, chefs, Uber drivers, nurses, caregivers, and housecleaners, and this isn't even discussing working or ambition. Now, let's add ADHD.

Women with ADHD struggle with time management and emotional regulation, so it's much easier to be late and blame ourselves rather than look at all of the circumstances that go into getting kids out the door in the morning.

Furthermore, women are expected to meet such high standards of perfection. Whether it's how we look or talk, we are "supposed" to be polite, emotionally stable, and attentive to our needs, primarily to others.

I found some quotes of women describing their experience with ADHD:

"My mind is like a browser with 1000 tabs open simultaneously."
"I feel everything so deeply, yet I can't seem to focus on anything."
"Having ADHD doesn't mean I can't pay attention. It means I can't always control what I pay attention to."

Phew! Are you feeling the weight of this yet?

These last two quotes really spoke to me because they highlighted the beauty of neurodiversity, which we will move into next:

"Living with ADHD is like having a superpower with no off switch."
"Having AHD means I may not do things the same way as others, but that doesn't mean I can't succeed."

The beauty of ADHD

It's taken me three decades to lean into the way I think and not punish myself for doing things my way… like cleaning out the bathroom vanity at 11:30 pm or spending 25 minutes watching Instagram reels of a woman who sends song lyrics to people on Tinder while I was supposed to be finishing this blog.

One of the ways I've befriended my ADHD is to see the beauty of what it does give me.

To do this, I've named this part of me.

If you've read my previous blog post on Internal Family Systems Therapy, I discussed the subpersonalities that occupy our minds. Identifying each of these parts has been extraordinarily healing for me.

I have Shade (depression), Scout (Anxiety), Grinder (Perfectionist), Self (True ME!), and now *drum roll please*..introducing Scribble.

Scribble is the part of me that is ADHD.

Because that's what I often feel like, but I also create something. It is still a mark on the world.

I can relate this to how society judges how Autistic children play with toys— they call it nonfunctional play.

But all play is play.

So, all Scribble is still something.

But on a more serious note, Scribble can sometimes get lost, overwhelmed, and—well—feel like a chaotic ball of hot mess.

I remind Scribble that I appreciate her ability to hyper-focus on things she is passionate about- that she can learn more about a subject (remembering it all is a different story) than most people can in weeks.

Scribble is funny, has a passion for learning, a unique perspective on the world, is spontaneous, can multitask, has deep empathy for others, and is quite energetic when on the mark.

Scribble is enthusiastic about life, and her energy is contagious.

She is also very creative. She's a good writer and creator.

Most of all, Scribble is resilient.

She understands the world isn't designed for her brain, but she doesn't let that stop her from building within it.

Should You Get a Diagnosis?

As mentioned earlier, many women go undiagnosed and do not get diagnosed until their 30's and 40's.

It's interesting for me. I feel as if my ADHD has gotten worse as I've aged. As stated above, I think it is because more pressure is on me.

Diagnoses are not meant to label us, and from most of the people I've read, getting one has been incredibly liberating and freeing…they wish they had it earlier.

Seeking a proper diagnosis from a healthcare professional like a psychologist is a crucial step to not only beginning the healing process but also learning how to support yourself.

The longer you are undiagnosed or misdiagnosed, the more you can impact your mental health, self-esteem, and overall well-being.

Your healthcare provider can discuss treatment plans with you.

In grad school, I created a program called The MindFull Institute: ADHD Support for the twentysomething.

It was designed on a triad approach: meditation, medication, and therapy.

Not all people want to take medication or feel they need to.

I was given stimulant medication (Ritalin, Adderall, Vyvanse) from a young adolescent and took it through my mid-twenties.

Although I am not on medication for my ADHD anymore, I am grateful I had the opportunity to take it.

Of course, it had side effects, and it impacted my eating habits for the long term, but it 100% helped me get to where I am today.

After going through not 1 but 2 1/2 grad school programs, a Masters in Leadership Development and a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology, and 1 year of a MFT, I learned how to harness my hyper-focus and get shit done.

I worked full-time, built @paxthedood, and enrolled in two graduate programs simultaneously. If I can do that, I can do anything.

Some of the treatment options include:

Medication: stimulant medications such as methylphenidate or amphetamine salts are commonly used to manage ADHD. Non-stimulant medications like Strattera may also prescribed. The medication helped me focus and follow through on one thing at a time. It also helped my motivation and energy.
Therapy: I would suggest to anyone that it is a critical factor in 1) understanding your faulty beliefs of where your ADHD has gotten in the way of loving yourself and 2) giving you coping skills and addressing emotional regulation.
Lifestyle changes: Exercise has been super helpful for me, and I am creating as much of a routine as possible (being a mom). Going gluten free and reducing sugar intake.

One thing I want to also add here is that ADHD does have comorbidity with other diagnoses, such as depression and anxiety…which I do… it's called mixed depression and anxiety disorder.

Co-occurring conditions such as eating disorders or PMDD can also be present.

This is why it is so important to work with a professional to address all of your symptoms, concerns, and well-being.

How to harness your ADHD characteristics and use them to your advantage.

So, first. What is hyperfocus?

Hyperfocus is a common trait among people with ADHD. It is characterized by intense focus on a particular task.

Here is an excerpt from a writing entry I did on hyperfocus

Hyperfocus.
Some days I have it, and other days I don't.
I have it on the days I shouldn't, and I don't have it on the days I need it.
That's how it works.
Hyperfocus makes me feel like I am stuck in a box with walls on either side, and it can be extremely challenging to get out of the box.
Like everything that demands my attention outside, the walls are highly irritating and frustrating and in the way.
I want to stay in the lane.
I want to keep going.
I can tune out TV, children, noise, and all other distractions.
Unlike the opposite, where I can't get my brain to focus at all.
I don't know why it pops up the way it does.
I love the feeling of being in control, but I hate the feeling of not being able to come down.
I feel sharper, harder, more serious.
Catch me in hyperfocus, and I will blow it out of the water.
I want to lean into my hyperfocus and how my brain works.

From this entry, it's a twofold experience.

On the one hand, it's incredible because I literally whip through things— like me writing at this moment. I can genuinely vibe out and not think about anything else.

At other times, it sharpens me, making it very hard to come down from and challenging to control.

So here are some ways to help you find and sustain hyper focus:

Set the mood. Music has always been a part of my writing/work process. Classical, instrumental, lo-fi, anything without words—when I look these genres up on Spotify, it will show me things like "ADHD Beats, ADHD Background music, and my personal favorite ADHD Hyperfocus playlist" (if you click those, you can listen to my go-tos).
I use the Pomodoro technique, where I set a timer and play a game with myself—how much can I actually get done in this 20-minute period? It usually clicks me into gear.
Break things down- instead of putting "write a few blogs" on my to-do list, I write, "Write tomorrow's blog on ADHD in Women," so it's specific.
I work with my energy… I'm a night owl. As a mom with young kids— that sucks. I'm up late and up early. It sucks! But it's what works best for me. At this time of night, there are no extra sounds. No children need me. The husband is snoring away deep in REM in the other room. A space and a time that is all mine. Unplug to plug in.
Reward myself: This is a big one. As a recovering perfectionist, nothing is ever good enough… so now I tell Scribble good job! and specifically why!

In regards to multitasking:

For the neurotypicals of the world, multitasking is looked at as a negative thing, and the ADHD brain needs to stay active. Novelty is what engages us. So here's how you can use it to your advantage;

Prioritize tasks- I suck at this because I think everything is essential and urgent. I use a random generator like this one here and put in all the to-dos, and it helps prioritize them, especially if they all have the same level of priority. I also use a buddy system (my husband) to help me figure out what to do.
If it's not in my calendar or notes app, it's not happening. I literally write everything down.
The biggest thing I'm working on is practicing realistic expectations. I overestimate how much I can get done and get upset if I've left things on the table. So, instead of 17 things, I change it to 3-5 (which, to my husband's standards, would still be a lot), and if I can get to more, then great.

Conclusion:

Ultimately, so much more work needs to be done in supporting women with understanding the wide range of symptoms experienced in ADHD. This would help get earlier intervention and appreciation of self.

ADHD has been… up until now— a pain in my ass. Today, I feel differently about my ADHD, and a big part of that is because of my beautiful son's diagnosis.

Here are some super helpful tools & books I've used that have helped me get to know my ADHD and feel more connected

Books: