Neuroaffirming Care After an Autism Diagnosis: What to Ask, What to Avoid, and Why It Matters
Recently I Realized Something Important
After my son was diagnosed, I just jumped into trying to find support. We didn't spend much time thinking about what we should ask or what was important to us. All we cared about at the time was finding providers who loved our child and wanted to support him.
The classic line we would always say was: "We do not want to change our child. We want to give him tools and resources to be able to thrive in a neurotypical world independently."
When he was first diagnosed, I felt so much pressure to move quickly—and also so much fear that I was making the wrong choices.
I was grateful to have a support system around me, but at the time, I didn’t know anyone besides a good friend across the country who had an autistic child at the same place in life as me.
I’m here to seal that gap for you.
In my RISE Roadmap Program—which stands for Root, Integrate, Support, and Embody—we take time in the "I" and "S" phases to explore not only what you truly want for your child, but what support actually looks like for your family.
Therapies must fit YOUR FAMILY, not just your child.
Everything from logistics to who is working with them one-on-one doesn’t just impact your child—it impacts your home, your work, and your well-being.
Most of us have been taught to mask parts of ourselves our entire lives. It’s no different for those with autism. In fact, many are taught to never be themselves.
That is the opposite of neuroaffirming care.
Neuroaffirming care is a way to build trust, reduce shame, and support a child’s authentic self so they can build confidence, strengthen their self-esteem, and stand tall in a world that may not always understand them.
This post will help you spot the right kind of support, ask better questions, and feel more confident choosing providers.
What is Neuroaffirming Care?
When you're first navigating support for your child—especially after a diagnosis—you might hear a lot of unfamiliar terms. One you may come across is "neuroaffirming care." It’s more than a buzzword. It's a deeply respectful, child-centered approach to support. And it matters.
So, what does neuroaffirming actually mean?
At its core, neuroaffirming care honors your child’s brain and body as they are. It doesn’t try to “fix” differences—it supports them. It’s about building trust, fostering connection, and creating safe, inclusive environments where your child can thrive in ways that are true to who they are.
It means understanding that:
Communication doesn’t always look like spoken words—and that’s okay.
Eye contact isn't required for connection.
Movement (like stimming) can be regulating and helpful.
Meltdowns are not misbehavior—they're expressions of overwhelm, stress, masking, and other internal experiences.
Neuroaffirming providers:
Respect autonomy — supporting a child’s right to say "no" or ask for space.
Value different communication styles — from scripting and echolalia to AAC or silence.
Support sensory needs — offering tools and strategies that reduce overwhelm instead of forcing "tolerance."
Dismantle shame — never making a child feel like they need to act "more normal" to be accepted.
Real-Life Examples:
My son’s therapist doesn’t expect him to sit still for long stretches — because that’s not how his body works best. Instead of seeing movement as a problem, she builds in regular movement breaks. She knows that when he can move, he can regulate. That’s not a disruption—that’s a need being met. That’s neuroaffirming.
In contrast, I once spoke with a parent whose child was told to “earn” sensory breaks with good behavior. The child had to sit still, make eye contact, and “use quiet hands” before being allowed to access something that actually helped them feel safe.
This kind of approach doesn’t create the safety a child needs to release stress, build trust, or learn effectively. When a child’s nervous system doesn’t feel safe, learning shuts down—and connection becomes much harder to build.
The truth is, kids learn through regulation and connection—not control. A child who feels safe is a child who is ready to grow.
This approach avoids harmful, compliance-based strategies that reward masking or suppress natural behaviors just to meet adult expectations. It shifts the question from:
"How can I get them to do this?"
To: "How can I support them in a way that feels safe, empowering, and individualized?"
And here's the truth: Your child doesn't need to change who they are to belong.
Neuroaffirming care tells them: You are already enough.
What If I’ve Used a Non-Affirming Provider Before?
First—breathe. You are not behind. You are not a bad parent. You’re learning, and that’s what matters most.
I’ve had a few and made changes. You know in your gut when it doesn’t feel right. My advice? Talk with them. Talk with them about your goals and see how you can collaborate. One BCBA told me I was the hardest parent she had ever worked with (in the best way) because I pushed her to grow and challenge what she knew. You can be the change.
Many families start with providers who were recommended, covered by insurance, or simply the first ones available. At the time, it may have felt like the only option—or even the “right” one. It’s okay to outgrow approaches that no longer align with your values.
You can always pivot. You can always ask new questions. And you’re not alone in doing it.
Learning to advocate is a process. You’re doing it right now.
Red Flags & Green Lights in Provider Language
When you’re choosing care for your child, the words a provider uses matter. Language often reveals the values and approaches behind the scenes—long before you see them in action.
This isn’t about being fearful or suspicious. It’s about knowing what aligns with your child’s needs, so you can advocate with clarity and confidence.
🚩 Red Flags to Be Aware Of
These phrases may indicate a provider is prioritizing compliance, masking, or neurotypical expectations over authentic support:
“We don’t use labels here.” (May signal discomfort with identity-affirming language or avoidance of neurodiversity.)
“We’re working on making eye contact.” (Can reflect a goal rooted in appearing “typical” rather than honoring comfort or communication differences.)
“We help them act more normal.” (Implies that neurodivergence is something to be corrected instead of supported.)
“They need to earn breaks or rewards.” (Suggests that basic needs like movement, regulation, or sensory relief must be traded for compliance.)
“We aim for them to be indistinguishable from peers.” (May sound encouraging at first, but can reinforce masking and long-term identity harm.)
✅ Green Lights to Look For
These phrases reflect respect, regulation, and real inclusion:
“We follow the child’s lead.” (Centers the child’s cues, curiosity, and natural development.)
“We prioritize connection and co-regulation.” (Focuses on relationship and nervous system safety first—because that’s where learning begins.)
“We welcome stimming, scripting, and movement.” (These aren’t behaviors to stop—they’re communication to understand.)
“We support communication in all its forms.” (Recognizes AAC, echolalia, gestures, and silence as valid and meaningful ways to connect.)
“We partner with parents to create goals.” (Respects the expertise of caregivers and invites collaboration.)
For example, my son’s teachers and therapists don’t pressure him to say hi, wave, or make eye contact when he walks into a room. They greet him warmly and then give him space to engage when he’s ready. That kind of respect for his autonomy may seem small—but it sends a powerful message: You are safe here, just as you are.
Questions to Ask Potential Providers
Choosing a provider isn’t just about availability or insurance—it’s about alignment. Sometimes asking these questions is very uncomfortable—partly because we see them as the expert and ourselves as the student. But remember: YOU are the expert of your child.
These questions help you get beyond the surface and into the heart of whether a provider’s philosophy, methods, and team culture are truly supportive of your child and your family.
You don’t need to ask every single one in a single call. Pick a few that feel most important to you right now—and know that your curiosity is a strength, not a burden.
Provider Questions:
Approach & Philosophy
What does neuroaffirming care mean to you?
What is your overall approach, and how do you incorporate neuroaffirming practices?
What does a typical session look like? Is it play-based?
2. Team Collaboration
How do you coordinate with speech therapists, OTs, and educators?
3. Training & Support
How are your RBTs (or other support staff) trained?
What kind of initial and ongoing education do they receive?
4. Parent Involvement
How do you support parent advocacy and communication?
How do you work with families to create goals?
5. Logistics
How far do you travel for in-home or school-based therapy?
6. Handling Challenges
How do you respond to meltdowns or shutdowns?
How do you support a child who stims, scripts, or uses AAC?
—> Want a quick-reference version of these questions? Click here for the free Provider Interview Checklist to feel more confident in every conversation.
Why It Matters
Here’s the truth I wish every parent heard sooner: You are your child’s gatekeeper. You get to decide who has access to them. That is a powerful role—and you don’t have to carry it alone.
Quick Snapshot: What to Look For in Neuroaffirming Care
✅ Follows the child’s lead
✅ Supports all forms of communication
✅ Creates emotional and sensory safety
✅ Builds trust through regulation and connection
✅ Involves parents in goal-setting and support
🚩 Prioritizes eye contact, quiet hands, or “normal” behavior
🚩 Uses shame, rewards, or withholding of needs to gain compliance
🚩 Frames neurodivergence as something to fix
Neuroaffirming care isn’t about perfection. It’s about presence. It’s about seeing your child as already whole, already worthy, and deeply deserving of support that meets them where they are—not where someone else thinks they should be.
You’re not expected to know all the right questions or make every choice perfectly. You’re allowed to grow, change your mind, and keep learning. And you don’t have to do it alone.
At Oak & Hive, I help families like yours find neuroaffirming providers and build support systems that feel right—because when your child is safe to be themselves, they thrive. And when you feel supported in your decisions, so do you.
Looking for 1:1 support? Book a free clarity call with me!
Looking for steps to take right now? Read 10 things to do post diagnosis.