Parents often ask how to build connections with an autistic child who doesn’t engage with the same interests, activities, or traditions. It can feel isolating when your child doesn’t respond the way you expect — especially during moments you imagined would feel special. But true connection doesn’t come from shared interests. It comes from shared understanding. Here’s what that looks like, and how to begin shifting the way you approach engagement with your autistic child.

“I just wanted to share the Christmas decorations with him,” a parent said to me on a call last week.

I could feel her grief through the phone.

One of the harder, quieter disappointments in parenting an autistic child is the lack of shared interests or joint attention — especially around the moments you imagined would feel magical.

I remember feeling that same ache when my son was tiny.

He didn’t play with me. 
He didn’t look when I pointed. 
He didn’t light up over the things I loved.

And now, with my three-year-old neurotypical daughter asking me to roll a ball or proudly showing me her art from school, the contrast is even louder. Those moments used to crush me. I called them grief bombs — sudden hits of sadness that left me wondering why everything had to feel so different.

What Shifted: My Expectations, Not My Child

But now?
They float in and out like little bubbles I can pop.

What changed wasn’t my son. 
It was me.

I changed my expectations around engagement. 
I changed what I believed connection “should” look like. 
And I stopped waiting for my son to enter my world — and began entering his.

Letting Go of the Dream Version of Holidays

Those first few Christmases, Jake could not have cared less about the tree, the ornaments, Santa… all the things you dream your child will love.

And that’s the key right there: 
It was my dream.

When I live inside that dream, I’m disappointed. 
When I live inside my reality, I’m at peace.

Finding New Joy in What Is

Now that Jake is almost six, he has so much more awareness. He even asks to go see Christmas lights in the car. My family has this little tradition where we drive around different neighborhoods, listen to holiday music, eat snacks, and enjoy the lights — and he loves it.

I wasn’t sure that would ever be our story. 
I’m happy to report: it is.

The Moment I Recognized Acceptance

Before Thanksgiving, his kindergarten class performed for the parents. I didn’t know how he’d do. He stood on the top bleacher, stimming his little body off — and not once did I care what anyone thought.

In the past? I absolutely would have.
And that’s when I knew I had reached acceptance.

**Connection Begins in Their World, Not Ours**

When that parent told me she wished he cared about the decorations, I gently reminded her:

It’s okay if you and your child don’t share the same interests.
It’s okay if engagement looks different.
It’s okay if connection isn’t tied to activities you imagined.

What she really wanted wasn’t for him to love ornaments.
She wanted:

closeness
shared engagement
to feel seen by him
to feel like they were experiencing something together

That’s human.
That’s valid.
That’s universal.

So I asked her: “What does he love?”

She said: “His iPad, certain sounds, certain videos.”

Beautiful. Because that is your doorway.

I gave her strategies to join him:

Sit beside him
Comment gently on what he’s watching
Match his energy
Follow his lead
Celebrate his joy

Once you join their world, they become more open to stepping into yours.

Universal Takeaway for Families & Providers

Whether you're a parent or a provider:

Connection isn’t built by getting a child to care about what you care about. Connection is built by caring about what they care about.

This doesn’t mean lowering expectations.
It means widening possibilities.

When we meet autistic children where they are — truly, wholeheartedly — we stop trying to pull them out of their world and start walking into it with them.

And that’s where engagement actually happens.

For Providers: Want to Deepen Your Neurodiversity-Affirming Practice?

If you’re a provider wanting to better support autistic children and their families, an old blog post breaks down:

What neurodiversity-affirming care looks like in real life
How to shift from compliance to connection
Mistakes even well-meaning providers make
How to build trust with families (especially post-diagnosis)
What families wish providers knew

👉 Read: Are You A Neuro-affirming provider? Here’s How To Know

Your impact grows the moment you shift from “How do I get this child to respond?”
to “How do I understand this child better?” Looking to connect with other providers on this matter? Join us at our monthly provider mash ups! Sign up here!

If you’re a parent:

If you’re parenting an autistic child and need guidance, clarity, or someone to walk beside you as you navigate all of this, I created Oak & Hive Consulting for exactly this reason. You don’t have to figure it all out alone.
You just need a roadmap — and a community that understands. Join our community group: CAE Families where you can connect, grieve, celebrate with other incredible families raising incredible kids. Fill out your application here!

When Your Child Doesn’t Share Your Interests: Why Connection Starts in Their World